Sunday, December 29, 2013

We're Public Once Again

If you're wondering where I've been these last few weeks, I made my blog private because I didn't want my family to find out that I'm pregnant before we were ready to tell them. Apparently my posts weren't showing up on BlogLovin', Feedly, or RSS, so unless you read posts through Google's reader, you've probably missed the majority of what's happened this past month. You can read about how we found out here, as well as read about baby Bread Crumb's heartbeat here.

My parents and one of my sisters came down for Christmas, so we were able to tell them in person on Christmas Eve with wrapped onesies.  There were tears all around and my mom's reaction is something that I will remember forever.

Earlier in the month, we had taken a leap of faith and sent Keegan's parents and brother onesies to open on Christmas Day. We told Keegan's brother that we wanted to Skype with the family when they opened the presents so we could see their reactions, but there was some miscommunication. We knew our plan had failed when his mom texted us "Congratulations. When can we tell people?"

I was actually really disappointed that we weren't able to see their reactions. I know that I'm lucky to have any news to share at all, but when you dream for years about how you're going to tell your families and that plan doesn't work out the way you hoped, it's hard. We've also called both sets of grandparents which means the news has spread to aunts and uncles by now.

Now that we've told our families and a handful of close friends, I feel like it's ok to make my blog public again. We're not going to announce the news on Facebook yet, but if a rogue friend finds out from my blog, I'm fine with that.

I haven't found an OB or midwife yet; my family just left on Friday so I haven't had the time to do any research. We still have a tentative appointment with our RE for January 6, but Keegan can't come, so I'm not sure if I want to drive the 2.5 hours for a 10 minute appointment alone. If I do find an OB/midwife before then and they can't get me in before the 6th, then I'll most likely make the drive. I found out this week that my mom lost two babies in between myself and my middle sister at 8 weeks after they had seen a heartbeat, so I'm very anxious to see Bread Crumb again.

I'm going to start doing weekly updates soon (I'll be eight weeks Tuesday.) We've been taking pictures, but I haven't had the energy to upload them. For most of the pregnancy I've been super nauseous with some major food aversions, and I've lost about five pounds. I've only thrown up once (the night of Keegan's birthday dinner,) but I'm so nauseous that I have to force myself to eat. I have a prescription for Zofran, but I've only taken it once; I'm really trying to go through this pregnancy with as little medication as possible.

I was to thank you all again for continuing to follow my journey. I've been having some emotions about feeling like I don't fit in to either the infertility community or the pregnancy community. I have very few "real life" friends that are pregnant, and the few that are didn't have to fight for it, so they don't understand my worry and cautiousness. On the flip side, however, I'm very conscious of the fact that I could be hurting someone in this community whenever I post about my pregnancy which is something I don't want to do. As much as I'm thankful to be in this place, it's a hard place to be and I'm not sure where I fit. I love you all and still need your support, but I understand how hard that can be.

Monday, December 23, 2013

Bread Crumb's Heartbeat

Today Keegan and I got up at 5 am to drive the two and a half hours to Birmingham to see Bread Crumb's heartbeat.

I was so sick on the drive over; a mix of nerves, no sleep, and pregnancy sickness suggested that I bring along a bag to be sick in as well as an extra shirt, just in case. Thankfully I didn't need to use either, but the drive was rough.

We got to our RE's office early, and they took us back to the room immediately. The nurse asked what cycle day I was on, and I admitted that I had no idea, that this was a pregnancy scan and I didn't think to look at my cycle days. She got all excited and hugged me, exclaiming that she didn't realize we were pregnant. So far, I think she's been the most excited about our pregnancy!

Our RE then came in and we made small talk while she got the ultrasound probe ready. As she inserted the wand, I held my breath hoping to see a heartbeat. At first my uterus looked empty, but she quickly found the gestational sack and our little Bread Crumb.

After taking measurements that ranged from 6 weeks 1 day, to 6 weeks 4 days, our RE found the heartbeat. It was the coolest thing, seeing these flickering pixels on the screen that seemed to take over the baby's entire body. We tried to hear the heartbeat, but unfortunately it was an older machine, so it wasn't able to capture it. Dr. M said that she wasn't worried that we couldn't hear the heartbeat, that she could tell from the flickering that it was normal, and we'd be able to hear it at our next ultrasound.

I asked if it was ok that the baby was measuring a few days behind, and Dr. M said that as long as we were within a week range (I'm supposed to be 7 weeks tomorrow,) than she's not worried. We have a tentative appointment on January 6 for another ultrasound, but we're not sure if we'll drive the 2.5 hours for another 10 minute appointment, or if we'll just make one with our OB.

Speaking of OBs, I don't think I'm going to go back to Dr. B, the OB who treated us for a year and a half before we moved onto our RE. He's not a bad doctor in any way, I just think he was just getting frustrated with us not getting pregnant, which made our appointments and his patience short. Near the end of our relationship, he left a bad taste so I don't think I want him to deliver my child.

There are other doctors in the practice, all of whom have amazing reviews from ladies I know in real life, and I love the other staff there (the nurses, ultrasound tech, etc.,) so that's definitely an option. However, I've always wanted to go with a midwifery program when I managed to get pregnant, but I'm not sure if there's a practice near our small town. I'm going to have to do some research, and if there's not a midwifery program within an hour's drive, then I'll just have to go back to my old OB's practice.

Here's our Bread Crumb! The white arrow placed by my RE is pointing at the baby, while the red arrow, placed by me, is pointing at the yolk sack. S/he's just a blob, but a very very cute blob, if I do say so myself.

Sunday, December 22, 2013

A Letter To Our Bread Crumb

My little Bread Crumb,

We are just hours away from driving to Birmingham to hopefully see your heartbeat. To say Mama's nervous is an understatement; I've been waiting for this moment since we found out you were growing inside me.

Your daddy and I were talking last night about the characteristics we hope you get from each of us. I hope you get your daddy's eyes and his smile, he has the most wonderful smile that can light up a room. I hope you get my toes. A strange request, yes, but I have grandpa's toes, and I hope you join the club.

I hope you get your daddy's brains, he's wicked smart. I hope you get my empathy and trust in others; it may come back to bite you a few times, but ultimately I think it's a good way to live.

Daddy can't wait to teach you about space and video games, he's sort of a nerd like that. I can't wait to have arts and crafts time with you and to read to you sleep. I hope that you get our love for reading; books can take you to magical places.

You have two cat sisters that may not be your biggest fans at the beginning, but they'll warm up to you if you promise not to pull their fur.

You have an amazing extended family that already loves you (even though they don't know you're coming yet, we're going to tell them on Christmas!) You're going to be the first grand child on both sides, which means you're going to be one spoiled kid. There is so much love in our family, and we can't wait until you get to be a part of it.

Since finding out you're growing inside me, I've had a dream every night that there's more than one of you in there. Perhaps it's mother's intuition, maybe it's just my hopeful dreams, either way, we'll love you (both of you?) no matter what.

If we don't see your heartbeat flickering tomorrow, I'll understand that it just wasn't your time. I'll be devastated for sure, but I know that I'll meet you later. The world can be a scary place, but know that your daddy and I will do our absolute best to keep you safe.

Mommy and Daddy love you, our little Bread Crumb.
See you tomorrow.

P.S. If you wondering where your nickname came from, blame one of  Daddy's best friends, your Uncle Ben. He nicknamed Daddy "Whitebread" one day in college, and then started calling Mama "Ginger Bread" when she came along. The joke always was that when we had kids, they'd be our little Bread Crumbs. Uncle Ben has a strange sense of humor.

Sunday, December 15, 2013

"Y'all Had It Easy"

"Y'all had it easy."

That's the text response I got from a real life friend when I let her know we had gotten a positive pregnancy test.

In comparison, I suppose from her standpoint (she recently out she was pregnant after IVF,) we did have it easy since we seemed to have conceived after our second round of Clomid.

I don't think her remark was meant to be hurtful, but it stung. The fact that we conceived after only two rounds of Clomid is something that I feel extremely guilty about, a feeling I have been wrestling with since I saw the word "pregnant."

I feel guilty because it only took us a year and a half, and a few months of Clomid while there are women, many of which I call dear friends, who are spending their life savings on IUI or IVF. I feel guilty because there are women who have been fighting for years, have had losses, or who have had to turn to adoption because they are not able to have biological children.

I feel guilty because I've had a hard time connecting to this pregnancy, even though so many women would love to be in my shoes. I'm guarded because we haven't seen a heartbeat yet and I know so much can go wrong in these early weeks, but I feel like I should be head over heels in love with this little bundle of cells growing inside me...but I'm not.

Will I be devastated if we don't see a heartbeat on the 23? Of course. But instead of taking time to "properly" mourn my loss, I will want to move onto the next steps as quickly as possible. Last night, Keegan and I had a talk about what steps we would feel comfortable doing if we didn't see a heartbeat. Morbid perhaps, but I'm the kind of person who needs to have a plan.

I have been nervous about posting anything about my pregnancy on here because I know that I have "passed up" some of my friends who have been trying for much longer than we have. I also know that I have friends who have experienced losses recently and I am so afraid of hurting them. The last thing I want to do is to cause anyone pain, but I need a place to express my feelings, both my excitement and my fears.

I suppose I thought that once I was pregnant, things would be all sunshine and rainbows, but recently, I've been feeling more lost and scared than at any point during our trying to conceive journey. Perhaps it was because while we were TTC, I had a goal, and ways to accomplish that goal, but now, I'm just sitting and waiting, hoping that everything is ok. I'm not very good with letting go of control, but my control over my pregnancy has been ripped out of my hands. If we come home with a baby in nine months is decided by cells dividing and hormone levels rising. There's nothing more I can do than hope that everything is ok.

I'm not quite sure what I was trying to accomplish with this post, perhaps it was just a stream of thoughts that I've been holding in recently. I don't know where I fit in the world of IF bloggers anymore. Yes, I'm pregnant, but I'm also vulnerable and scared and need support more than ever. However, I also realize how hard it is to be a support for someone who had made it to the other side.

I am so thankful to anyone who continues to read and support Keegan and I in this new journey, but I also hold no bad feelings towards anyone who needs to step back. Just know that I am rooting everyone on, no matter if you're still TTC, or reaching the end of your pregnancy. I love you all and I could never put into words how much your friendship means to me.

Friday, December 13, 2013

The Reason For Going Private

First of all, I want to apologize. It seems that I made my last post a bit dramatic, which caused a lot of you to inquire if we're ok as well as send us your good thoughts. While those good thoughts are very much appreciated, I feel like they were given under false pretenses.

We're fine, in fact, we're better than fine. We're pregnant.

Some of you may have guessed, and I know some of you already knew since I posted fairly frequently about it on Twitter. I have wanted to tell you guys since day one, but I have suspicions that close family members have found my blog, and we don't want to spill the beans until we see (or don't see) a heartbeat.

We found out on November 30, the Saturday after Thanksgiving which was 11 DPO. All week I had felt like my uterus was full of rocks, and my mom was talking about grabbing drinks that night, so I decided to test. Before the rest of my family woke up, I peed on a First Response test and snuggled back in our pull out bed in my family's living room next to Keegan. I kept the test in the wrapper until the 3 minutes were done, and then had him look at it.

He said something about there being a second line, but it not being as dark as the test line. I grabbed the test out of his hands, and lo and behold, there was a second line.

I quickly texted Sarah and Adi to get their opinions, and they both agreed there was a faint second line. Adi suggested getting a blue dye test to try, which I took on Sunday at 12 DPO. 

The line was very faint which made me nervous, but we were on our way back to Mississippi where I had numerous internet cheapie tests that I could obsess over. The top tests in both groups above are from Sunday (12 DPO) and the bottom two in both groups are from Monday (13 DPO.)

Monday (12/2) was a mad house for me; I was supposed to leave Tuesday for a four day training in Dallas so I was rushing around making sure everything was set for the trip as well as playing phone tag with my RE. My RE wanted to do a beta as quickly as possible, but since I was going to be out of town, it got pushed back until this week. I was supposed to get it on Monday (12/9,) but Dallas got a freak ice storm, so my flight that was supposed to leave Friday (12/6) didn't leave until Monday. I finally got my first beta on Tuesday which I wore my lucky socks from Melissa to. 

My first beta was 1,328 at 5 weeks exactly. My RE called personally to congratulate me and we scheduled my second beta for Thursday as well as my first ultrasound for 12/23. I just got my results for my second beta which was 3,021 at 5 weeks, 2 days which equals a doubling time of 40 hours. 

We're still scheduled for our first ultrasound on 12/23 where we hope to see a heartbeat. We were offered an appointment on 12/20, but I have a work meeting that day that I can't miss, and it's also Keegan's birthday. Even if I didn't have a work meeting, I probably would have declined that appointment anyways because I don't want his birthday to be tainted just in case we don't see a heartbeat. 

There is the chance of twins. When we had our appointment with our RE in November, it was the day after ovulation, and we were able to see that two eggs had released. I've checked, and my beta levels are slightly elevated for a singleton, but I have a real life friend who's pregnant with twins and her first beta was 40, so I feel like the numbers don't really tell much. 

We had the option of doing our first ultrasound with an OB here in town, but we decided to drive the two hours to our RE just in case we don't see a heartbeat. She'll be the one to help us through the miscarriage, and I want to be able to talk next steps with her if need be. 

I think that's everything. Like I said above, I wanted to say something sooner, but I'm afraid of our parents finding out we're pregnant through the internet instead of in person. If we see a heartbeat on 12/23, we're going to tell our immediate families over Christmas. Once everyone who we feel needs to be told in person is told, I'll make my blog public again. I believe I'm going to continue to post here throughout my pregnancy, but we'll see what happens. 

I want to thank you all for your continued love and support. I totally understand if you need to step back or unfollow, please do whatever you need to take care of yourself.

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Going Private

Hey everyone. First of all, I want to apologize for not writing a lot these last few weeks. Thanksgiving plus my longer than expected trip to Dallas made it difficult to write, but there are also some other things that Keegan and I are going through right now that I've wanted to write about but haven't felt comfortable blasting all over the internet.

Because I still want and need your support, I'm going to make my blog private until the end of the year so that I can write about what's been going on, but not worry about the world seeing it. I'll leave this post up until Friday so that everyone has a chance to see it and give me their emails if they decide they want to continue following while the blog is private. As things stand now, I'm most likely going to make the blog public again in the new year, so if you wish, you could aways wait it out and read what's been going on later.

If you wish to follow along as the blog is private, feel free to leave your email below and I'll add it to the list so you can (hopefully) see my posts. I've never done this before, so I'm sure it'll be some trial and error, but if you're not seeing my posts and wish to, just email me and I'll fix it.

As always, thank you for your love and continued support.


Sunday, December 8, 2013

What A Week!

You know when you have so much going on in your life that it's too much to talk about so you don't talk at all? That's kind of how this last week has been. 

- Last Sunday was our last day in Missouri for the Thanksgiving holiday. Early in the morning, Keegan went to the car to start packing and realized that the Christmas present that his mom had given us was up on the seat ripped open when it was previously stashed on the floorboard. He asked if I had touched the present, and I had not. We quickly realized that someone had broken into our car, so we combed through the car, my purse, and my wallet to see if anything had been stolen. Thankfully nothing had, so we decided to drive home without calling the police. 

Fast forward a few days, I pulled my planner out of my purse and out fell three insurance cards, a bank card, and a business card for the P family. I called Keegan to tell him what happened, and he tried to call the phone number on the business card. No one picked up, so I called my parents to tell them what I had found. Apparently the P family lives down the street from my parents, so my dad went to talk to them. They were not home, but taped to the front door was a business card with a new phone number. We called the new number and spoke to Mr. P who told us his truck had been broken into Saturday night and his insurance cards, bank card, Bass Pro card as well as some other information was stolen. We told him that we had three insurance cards and his bank card (I also found his Bass Pro card in my purse a few days later.) 

We think someone broke into Mr. P's truck and disposed of the evidence in the pages of my planner. As far as we could tell, nothing of importance was taken from my car, but my dad called yesterday to say that he found coupons and receipts from my purse strewn about their side yards. 

I never understood how victims of burglary felt uncomfortable in their homes, but I do now. It freaks me out knowing that someone was in my car, opening my Christmas presents, and going through my purse without me knowing. 

- This week, I was in Dallas for job training. There was talk about an ice storm hitting Thursday night / Friday morning, but our director promised it wouldn't be a big deal. Come Friday, almost everyone's flights were cancelled due to the 3 inches of ice that was dumped on Dallas, a city not ready for winter weather. A few of us were encouraged to go to the airport to see if we could get on a later flight, but we ended up being stuck in the airport for hours. I'm not sure if the Dallas airport doesn't have heat, or if it was broken, but it was so cold inside that you could see your breath. 

Our travel manager ended up getting myself and a co-worker a hotel room, so we called the hotel shuttle to pick us up. We were told to wait outside for the shuttle...which took 2.5 hours to arrive. Let's just say after that long in 28 degrees, I could no longer feel my toes. 

My flight that was rescheduled for Saturday was also cancelled, so now I'm waiting for a flight on Monday that hopefully will take off. Even though this isn't how I wanted to spend my weekend, I'm thankful that I'm in the part of Dallas that has power, and that there's an IHOP in the hotel parking lot so I have food. Oh, and Internet. I'm thankful the hotel has Internet. 

- Unfortunately since I'm in Dallas, I missed the Mizzou vs. Auburn football game in Atlanta that I had tickets for. My sister and a group of her friends drove down and stayed with Keegan overnight. They drove to Atlanta in two cars, and on the way back, my sister's friend rear ended my husband. Apparently the damage isn't horrible, we'll probably end up replacing the back bumper eventually, but the most important thing is that everyone is ok. 

Oh, and we lost the football game. 

Overall, this has been an interesting week. Hopefully I'm able to get home soon and life can get back to normal. I miss my husband, my cats, my own bed, and clean clothes. I didn't pack to be away for a week, so i've had to re-wear clothes. 

I hope everyone has stayed warm and safe!